Ways to die

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Ways to die

Postby xXxtr00jazzfanxXx » Wed Oct 31, 2012 7:31 pm

This isn't OC. It's off some shit a friend wrote years ago but I found it again today and it's still hilarious. Enjoy
Hello any sucker bored enough to be reading this. I was struggling for a while to come up with a sense of direction for this blog and still am, really. I have decided for now to take the 'Maddox' or 'Ninjapirate' (Except probably not as funny) approach and make it general musings and ramblings that I've come up with that people seem to enjoy. These started off as "Song of the Day" threads on a forum that holds a lot of shame for me. I posted the same song every day and wrote things like this. I figured I'd take it to a more appropriate medium and to a broader audience. I take myself super seriously and everything I say is 100% super serious. I suppose we should kick it off with something endearing that has always troubled me.

There are a lot of terrible ways to die. Some are horrible because of the pain that is surely involved, and others suck because of the humiliation that is involved and the endless taunting they must suffer in the afterlife.

I would rather die a painful death than a humiliating one, just in case. Dying trying to rescue a chick from an active volcano is pretty manly and heroic. What the fuck was she doing in there anyway? Women are so stupid, always getting stuck in volcanoes. Being crushed by a plasma TV mounted over your bed is not very manly, especially if you were watching Top Chef. I love Top Chef, fuck you.

Getting maimed to death by an animal is very hit or miss. Killed in a boxing match with a kangaroo? Pretty manly. KIA in the extreme sport of Rhino Rodeo? Manly as shit. Being stung to death by bees? What a pussy. Getting eaten by an elephant? They're herbivores and you happened to look like a plant. Vegetation and vegetarians are very unmanly.


Getting murdered is another big one. Get shot to death...what are you a minority? Cut that shit out. Rape, do I even need to get into it? Go out and get curb stomped, or go out in style to a crippler cross-face. Benoit's kid and wife may have died a tragic and untimely death, but at least it was manly. Make sure your death isn't babytown.
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